rainbowgummibears: (Default)
[personal profile] rainbowgummibears
Oh, what a cliche to start the first entry of my new blog with XD

Anyways! I did a horrible job of keeping up with my first attempt at a Dreamwidth, so I'm going to try again. Its the beginning of a new month and I've decided to make some changes that will hopefully make me feel better than how I've been feeling lately.

I've found myself in a depressive rut the past few months. It was only recently while I was laying in bed overthinking everything and not being able to sleep that I had a realization why I've been so miserable lately.

I've completely lost control of everything. My eating has been out of control, and I've gained a whole lot of weight. My sleeping has been out of control. I haven't been staying up *all* that late, but later than I should and taking way too many naps than is healthy. I've been out of control and out of touch with just *doing* things besides work. When I'm at home, I sit on tumblr alllll fucking day long and seem to be waiting for things to come to me... but that really isn't working. Even in terms of Zuka and idols and fandoms, I've been letting other people control what I like and what I don't and that's just silly. I'd been letting others control how I'm feeling, especially my boss at CC.

I was getting worried that I'd have to go the doctor to get my meds adjusted. Even at work I was starting to feel anxietyish, mostly at my second job, and even found myself tripping over words and stuff which hasn't happened to me in a long time. I was getting worried that I'd have to scrape together $50 I'd rather spend on other things and haul my cookies to the doctor to discuss my meds. But in my overthinking that night, my brain went "No. You don't need to do that. *You* need to take control of this shit."

So that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to start calorie counting and exercising again and be healthier and more confident in my body. I'm going to have the discipline to go bed when I'm actually tired and not stay up just for the sake of staying up. I'm going to like whatever the hell I want to like. And just be me.

All of this sounds good now, I hope I'm able to do it. Keeping up with a new blog is going to be another exercise in discipline and control of things I want to do vs. being a lump and doing nothing. Here goes nothin'.
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Ruka

August 2013

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