rainbowgummibears: (Manaharu - Adorable Waving)
2013-08-01 10:44 am
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Oh crap, it's been way too long

I'm stuck in Starbucks for a few hours today because of the bus strike, so why not take this time to catch up on my blog.... it's been way too long since I've written anything here. So much for trying to keep up with it XD I always say I'm going to try harder, but that's just setting myself up for failure lol So I will just attempt to write here when I'm feeling up to it and not put any pressure on myself over something that isn't really that important.

ANYWAY.

So its been what, almost 2 weeks since I last wrote? A little less than that. Well the past few weeks have been a bit of a lesson of "everything happens for a reason." We have a new manager at Build-a-Bear... and its not me. I'm not quite sure why I wasn't given the opportunity, but from what I could gather they needed someone fast with managerial experience. That's valid, I guess. Except this girl has NO experience at Build-a-bear at all. Like I think yesterday was her first day and I don't think she even knows how to make a bear yet. She seems cool enough, but I'm just wondering like if they are going to train her how to do everything, why couldn't they train me at the manager stuff since I already know the bear stuff? I dunno. I get that I have zero management experience and that definitely works against me a bit. I was really upset at first about it but... I can't let it ruin how much I love this job. I still feel passionate about being there and I still love what I do. I can not not not let this ruin the only job I have ever enjoyed in my life. My mom also made the point that since I don't have any management experience that promoting me to shift leader or whatever that step in between regular employee and full-blown manager is would be more logical in the long run. So I've made peace with it. I'm still kinda disappointed that things aren't moving as quickly as I want, but I'm sure there's some reason in the universe this is the way it should be.

I'm tired of working at Charming Charlie. Its getting harder and harder for me to care about selling plastic jewelry to ladies with entitlement complexes that most of the time can't speak English. I have no days off this week, and I'm exhausted and on day 5 in a row, and this morning I found it so hard to give even the remotest little shit about dressing "fashion forward" (whatever that means) for this stupid job. More and more I'm finding that I feel really awkward dressing in what we're supposed to. I'd rather just wear my sneakers and basketball shorts and dykey t-shirts. That's so much more me. It's not the worst job I've had by far, but it drains me. Just sucks out my soul. Every so often I have a fulfilling experience there but they are few and far between. I'm not going to quit cuz I'm sure this is as good as its going to get for a second job, I'm just trying to endure until I make enough money at Build-a-Bear to quit. Apparently my apathy about this job isn't coming out that much cuz I had a review with my crazy manager and it was pretty good, so whatever. That pretty much sums up how I feel when I'm there.... whatever.

On the other side of things, my weight loss has been going very well. It's officially been a month today, and I've lost 12 lbs so far. I haven't exercised at all this week, but with working so much my mental and physical capacity is pretty nil. But its going well! Only like... 70 more lbs to go lol

I'm so tired. I was supposed to be able to sleep this morning but this stupid ass bus strike had me getting up early so I could go to work with my mom and then take her car from there to my work since she won't let me go home with the car (she claims it takes up too much gas). Just ug. I want a nap. This strike better not last too long.

Alright, I think that's all there is to tell. I've got fandom related feels but just too tired to talk about them right now.
rainbowgummibears: (Manaharu - Adorable Waving)
2013-07-18 11:45 pm
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Oops, it's been a week!

I have no excuse really for not writing here all week. I don't know really if its really been laziness really, as I've been doing other things while I've been on the internets. I think I'm following too many blogs on tumblr... its taking me way too long to go through my dash. Perhaps I shall unfollow some tonight. (If you're reading this right now, you are not in danger of being unfollowed, btw).

Ahh, so the last week. It actually has been pretty uneventful. I've been doing super well with my exercise this week. I've actually exercised everyday since Sunday this week, which has even surprised myself. I'm starting to get really into it. And also discovering I can watch whatever video format I want on my phone without taking the time to convert it has helped with exercising more. I can watch anime or Zuka or whatever while I do the treadmill or stationary bike and it makes everything just more fun. It helps my phone's screen is huge :D I really want to get a tablet eventually so I can watch vids even bigger while I do this stuff. I think I'm going to make that my reward when I make it to my first goal (and it'll give me time to save up for it).

Since I do have so much weight I want to lose, I've broken it up into 3 goals so it won't seem like such a daunting task. My first goal is the biggest, 33 lbs. Then 25, and 25 more. You're reading that correctly... I want to lose at least 83 lbs. Which is exactly why I need to break it up into small chunks. In my first two weeks I've lost 8 lbs total, so I'm well on my way. 25 to go until my first goal! がんばって!!

Nothing much else has been going on... just working and exercising and trying my best to life. Cuz life can be stupidly hard sometimes.
rainbowgummibears: (Amber - Duckber)
2013-07-11 12:41 pm
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The Last Few Days

Tuesday wasn't such a good day for me. Depression is a stupid thing, I hate that I can't control how it makes me feel sometimes and that its just something I have to deal with. It frustrates me to no end. On Tuesday I was just in a "everything sucks" kinda mood. DDR was really difficult, I was like half a beat behind on every song and I just wasn't into it. I finished my exercise program though so I suppose that in itself is an achievement. Work was meh, and when I got home I felt just lethargic and didn't even want to make the effort to brush my teeth before bed. I made myself do it though, which is more than I can say for when I've felt like that before. Its really the most frustrating when even simple things that should be automatic like that take so much effort. I couldn't bring myself to care about doing the dishes, and I took a nap in the afternoon before work, so it was like... a partial achievement day? I didn't emotionally eat, so that was a good thing.

Yesterday was much better, I was way more into existing, lol. I took a break from the DDR and did some exercise bike and treadmill, and that was pretty good. I worked till after midnight though doing displays and floorsets at CC and omg, it was so tiring since crazy manager wound up being in charge of the whole thing... and she pushes us so fucking hard. I probably burned a million more calories just in those few hours. My body is so sore today. I'm trying to move as little as possible XD But it seems my mental state is quite better at least.

Before work yesterday I finally got my first week's reward. I meant to get it on Sunday but I totally forgot before I left Buildabear. There we have these My Little Pony figures that are blind packs so you don't know which one you're getting. With my discount they're only $2, but I really couldn't justify just buying these things, as much as I want them (and as much as I shouldn't really have to justify anything lol). So I've decided that every week that I do well, not only in my calorie counting, but other habits, I can get a pony. So last night, I got my first pony:



Somehow I feel like getting Princess Celestia for my first week is appropriate :3 Hopefully Sunday I shall get another pony! I don't feel like Tuesday was that much of a hindrance to my goals, as I still exercised and ate right and made myself care about things (excluding the dishes but who really cares dishes really XD)

Now its time for lunch... if I can get my sore body up to the kitchen XD
rainbowgummibears: (Pokemon - Spheal)
2013-07-07 07:59 pm
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End of the First Week

I have reached the end of the first week of my.... I don't know what I want to call it XD The first week of my better habits? We'll go with that XD

I've really done much better this week than I could have anticipated. Not only with my calorie counting and exercise, but with other habits I am trying to establish as well. My sleep schedule may get a little messed up with my work schedule this week, but I'm still trying to go to bed earlier and earlier until I'm happy with it... I've been pretty consistent in when I've gone to bed, but not when I actually get to sleep. I'm finding that I really do enjoy being up in the morning instead staying up until the morning. Oh shit, that sounded like an adult talking >> *quickly runs to get Buildabears to cuddle*

I totally forgot to get my first week pony at work today, so I shall have to acquire her later. When doing calorie counting before, I gave myself a day off a week to eat whatever I want. I don't think I'm going to do that this time. I'm only going to give myself a day off if I really need it... like I know I will have to have a cookie dough day during my period and such XD Right now I have no desire to binge and that is really an amazing thing.

Tomorrow will be my first weigh-in and I'll see how I've done! I'm sure I've lost some already, but just how much I'm excited to see ^^
rainbowgummibears: (Komu - Pout)
2013-07-04 11:46 am
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Freaking Ow

On my way to work yesterday, I almost broke the toes on my right foot T___T

I was on the bus, like I do. It was one of those double long buses, which have the kinda accordion fold looking thing in the middle to connect the two sections. If you've never been on a bus like that, there's a very hard plastic barrier next to the accordion part. I was sitting in the seats right behind the plastic barrier. I pulled the cord for my stop and as the bus slowed down, I got up to make my way to the door, as I usually do. But just then, the bus stopped short and slammed my toes into the plastic barrier. I was wearing sandals since I was all dressed up for CC. I didn't think much of it, like it hurt of course, but I just got off the bus and started limping to the mall hoping the pain would just go away like when you stub your toe. As I got there I felt something wet on my sandal... and it was all bloody. I didn't know which toe I was bleeding from, but I hobbled my ass to the bathroom near work and cleaned off my foot and sandal. My toes were swollen and blood was still coming from under the toenail of my middle toe. It didn't rip off the toenail thank god, but it was bleeding for awhile. I made my way to work, where there were bandaids, and bandaged myself up and hobbled around the entire night. It really started to hurt by the end of the night.

It feels better now today, only my middle toe hurts. I can bend it so at least its not broken. Whatever happened to/under the toenail still hurts though. I'm just going to take it easy and not walk on it too much so hopefully it can heal. I have off from work today fortunately. Good thing I got my exercising in the past few days... no way I can DDR with a hurt toe. My legs are pretty sore from doing so much anyways so I should probably take a break as it is.

On a totally unrelated note, Happy 4th to anyone who celebrates it :3 Last day my nails will be red white and blue XDD
rainbowgummibears: (Default)
2013-07-01 03:07 pm
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First Day of the Rest of My Life

Oh, what a cliche to start the first entry of my new blog with XD

Anyways! I did a horrible job of keeping up with my first attempt at a Dreamwidth, so I'm going to try again. Its the beginning of a new month and I've decided to make some changes that will hopefully make me feel better than how I've been feeling lately.

I've found myself in a depressive rut the past few months. It was only recently while I was laying in bed overthinking everything and not being able to sleep that I had a realization why I've been so miserable lately.

I've completely lost control of everything. My eating has been out of control, and I've gained a whole lot of weight. My sleeping has been out of control. I haven't been staying up *all* that late, but later than I should and taking way too many naps than is healthy. I've been out of control and out of touch with just *doing* things besides work. When I'm at home, I sit on tumblr alllll fucking day long and seem to be waiting for things to come to me... but that really isn't working. Even in terms of Zuka and idols and fandoms, I've been letting other people control what I like and what I don't and that's just silly. I'd been letting others control how I'm feeling, especially my boss at CC.

I was getting worried that I'd have to go the doctor to get my meds adjusted. Even at work I was starting to feel anxietyish, mostly at my second job, and even found myself tripping over words and stuff which hasn't happened to me in a long time. I was getting worried that I'd have to scrape together $50 I'd rather spend on other things and haul my cookies to the doctor to discuss my meds. But in my overthinking that night, my brain went "No. You don't need to do that. *You* need to take control of this shit."

So that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to start calorie counting and exercising again and be healthier and more confident in my body. I'm going to have the discipline to go bed when I'm actually tired and not stay up just for the sake of staying up. I'm going to like whatever the hell I want to like. And just be me.

All of this sounds good now, I hope I'm able to do it. Keeping up with a new blog is going to be another exercise in discipline and control of things I want to do vs. being a lump and doing nothing. Here goes nothin'.